Dear Prospective Recruit,
Dear New Girl,
Congratulations on getting the new job! I write to you in the obscure chance that you may stumble upon my blog and perhaps get a glimpse into your future here. Here is almost my past – for your perusal.
No doubt, you are overjoyed at the fact that you have been accepted for this position at the interview, without the dread of waiting for that phone call. Again I congratulate you. Inadvertantly, you’ve also just witnessed the first example of your new boss’s decisiveness (stubbornness) and judgement. Only you will know if they are a good judge of character. I would like to believe they were when they hired me.
As an interior designer yourself, you may be excited at the prospect of working in such a beautifully designed space, surrounded by lush fabrics and contemporary accessories. Bathe yourself in this excitement, cherish every moment that has you hunting for sample cuttings and flipping through sample books – because it may be another two weeks before you do again. The majority of your time will be spent processing orders* which come throughout the day, and you may often find yourself out the back, with boxes, bubble wrap and tape dispensers scattered around you. Please be careful. The tape dispensers are new, they have a life of their own, and if you don’t concentrate, they will slice your fingers. At first it will look fine. Then you will get blood on the boxes, the invoices and all over your pretty clothes. So please, be careful.
*While you process orders, your boss may resume the “Hovering Stance”. This is when he looks over your shoulder to check if you’ve made any mistakes. It may make you nervous, which would lead to further mistakes, which would lead to further prolonged “Hovering” in the future. Take it slow and breathe. This technique will help you immensely throughout your stay.
This leads me to my next point – Pace yourself. Learn the art of procrastination and pretense. Alternatively you may try to finish everything in the first 3 hours of your day, and resume the “Hovering Stance” over your boss and continuously asking if there’s anything else you can do to earn your wages legitimately. I have never tried this before, so take advice at your own risk.
There are some things that may potentially drive you up the wall and wonder how your predecessors survived. Don’t feel too shattered. The few girls before me were only here a couple of years. Just try to tune out when they speak of the other ones that stayed for close to a decade. They were of course also the ones that came up with the obscure folder names – in which you will be hunting for obscurely named files. This is not my fault. But I’m sorry anyway.
You will do this all on your own. You may want to talk to yourself sometimes, or try to use brainwaves to make customers call you. You won’t be able to do either. Just make sure you are packed up and ready for the last challenge of the night by 5 – the backup drives which your boss will still call ‘tapes’ do not like static. Try not to touch the usb connector, or when you plug it in you will short the server and make it restart. Do not be scared when the screen goes black and beeps, just be aware that you will be there for another 10min while the computer restarts and gets ready for backing up. Don’t breathe that sigh of relief yet – once you get out the back door to the garage, make sure you count 5 steps or you will find yourself in hospital rather than home. The lights will automatically come on after the death trap.
The next 5 minutes if done correctly, will ensure your ticket to freedom. The parking spots must always be on the default level – ie. the boss’s. You will have to lower it, back out, and raise it again. Make sure you keep your toes out of the way and your bags are zipped up. If you loose something down there, you will never see it again. The garage door will try to automatically shut, either keep your car out of the way, or hover your leg over the sensor at the bottom. After a few weeks, you may start to curse your boss for being selfish assholes or being at the bottom of the rung in the company hierarchy. Just remember, they are nice people and you need the money.
Good bye and Good luck.
I hope you like classical music.
